Gageisms
by Piscean6724
Summary: When Johnny is injured on his way to work, the crew of Station 51 stand vigil at his bedside while reliving a few of Gage's more humorous rescues. Note: these are all new rescues, none are taken from the series. Mild language.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: All characters of Emergency! belong to Mark VII and Universal Studios

This is just a short tale of a few previously unheard of rescues…based VERY loosely on real events.

Gage-isms

The early arrivers of "A" shift heard the screeching of tires and the crunching sound of twisting metal and shattering glass. They knew that a horrible traffic accident had occurred in front of the Station and ran to investigate. Marco was the first one out the door with Roy following closely on his heels. The "C" shift paramedics were just exiting the squad after returning to the station for shift change. They followed Roy out to the street as Hank Stanley called the accident in to dispatch requesting assistance. What they saw made their hearts sink. They'd all responded to numerous accidents in the past but it was the site of a crumpled Land Rover lying on its passenger's side that made them catch their breath. John Gage had obviously been sitting in the lane awaiting a break in traffic to make his usual left turn into the station when he was hit head-on by a utility van. The crew of "A" shift immediately ran to Johnny's vehicle while the remnants of "C" shift tended to the driver of the offending vehicle. In mere seconds they were also at the side of the Rover; their faces saying what their voices didn't need to say. The other driver was dead; but Johnny was very much alive and needed them desperately.

John was unconscious; bleeding from a large cut that began below his left ear near his jaw and extended into his hair line. He was wearing his seatbelt which left his limp form dangling precariously while the blood literally dripped off his nose and onto the passenger's seat. Work began immediately to extricate him and begin assessing for other injuries. In short order, the combined crews of "A" and "C" shifts of Station 51 had broken out his windshield; secured Johnny to a backboard with IV's replenishing his fluid volume; bandaged his laceration; secured his injured arm and were loading him into the waiting ambulance.

"Roy, can you manage riding in with him?" The question came from Captain Stanley but Roy saw that the "C" shift paramedics were standing by more than willing to take his place in the ambulance if he needed them to.

"Cap, I'd like to go in with him, please." Cap nodded his agreement and patted his senior paramedic on the shoulder as he turned to enter the ambulance. The sound of the siren exiting the scene heading to Rampart echoed in the ears of the men. No one spoke; no one had to. One of their own had been injured and they were all affected.

-x-

"Roy, phone call for you." Roy looked up from his coffee cup and into the eyes of Dixie McCall. She was standing in the door of the break room at Rampart with a concerned motherly look on her face.

"Thanks, Dix…any word yet?"

Dixie knew that Roy wanted to know how his partner was doing and she wished she'd had something positive to say. Johnny had been brought in over 4 hours ago after a traffic accident in front of the station. He'd had a severe laceration on the left side of his head but he'd also suffered a compound fracture of his left ulna and was currently in surgery.

"No, not yet but it shouldn't be much longer." She squeezed his shoulders as he stood up and headed toward the nurses station to take the call.

"Fireman DeSoto, here," he spoke into the phone and relief washed over him when he heard the familiar voice on the other end.

"Roy, we're all here at the station and want to know the latest on Johnny." Roy could hear the concern in his Captain's voice and he really appreciated it.

"Nothing, Cap, he's still in surgery for his arm. Dixie said it shouldn't be much longer though." He then realized that he'd never even called back in to let Cap know he needed to be off with his best friend.  
>Oh, uh, Cap I'm sorry…..I forgot to call you back and …..uh"<p>

"Roy, Roy, settle down. I knew you weren't coming back. Your replacements are here and all is well. Just keep us informed ok?"

Roy released a breath and thanked his Captain for being so understanding. He agreed to call them as soon as he had news before he hung up.

Joanne brought him some lunch and stayed until time to pick the kids up from school. By that time, John had been moved to recovery and a room was being prepared for him. He'd be hospitalized for several days for pain management and for observation related to his concussion. Roy had informed the guys at the station and they all sent their well wishes. They also agreed to visit as soon as "B" shift arrived the next morning.

-x-

Johnny's level of consciousness seemed to ebb and flow like the tide. Some moments he was awake and then within seconds he was completely out again. His rest was fitful as the pain medication wore off and several times during the afternoon and night he'd needed boluses of pain medication to keep him still. Roy had rested some during the night but was really concerned about Johnny. It wasn't like him to require so much pain medication. Although Roy had grown accustomed to sitting with his accident-prone friend during hospital stays, he was not accustomed to him being unconscious most of the time. This seemed different and if frightened Roy more than he cared to think about.

A pretty young nurse had just left the room after providing Johnny with yet another dose of medication which was beginning to slow down his restless legs. Roy knew that was a good sign that the medication was working and at least his partner would have some peace from the pain. _Ignorance really is bliss, _he thought to himself. Having some medical knowledge meant he knew when to worry and when not to. Unfortunately, he knew it was time to be concerned. Johnny hadn't been awake much in the last 24 hours but when he was awake he didn't seem to fully recognize Roy. He was mentally thumbing through the pages of his paramedic training when a knock at the door brought him back to the present.

"Hey, Roy how is he?" Hank asked as he and the rest of the "A" shift walked quietly into John's room. Each man glancing at the now still form of the sedated paramedic.

"Not much change really, Cap." Roy replied as he stood to stretch his aching back.

"He's been getting kinda restless when the pain kicks in…but even when he's semi awake, he doesn't seem to know me." Roy couldn't hide his concern and that didn't go unnoticed by the other guys.

Surprisingly, it was Mike who broke their silence.

"Fellas, remember when …." and with that, the crew began recounting some of the more memorable moments of Gage's career at Station 51.


	2. Chapter 2

Coup 51

With Mike's prompting, the guys revisited one incident that left all the men snickering…..and the Station in chaos.

The squad was being backed into the apparatus bay by Roy as he and Johnny were returning from a call in a rather remote area of their jurisdiction.

"Roy, please….I'm begging you…..do NOT tell Chet about the pig, ok?"

"My lips are sealed, partner." Roy made a motion that resembled turning a key in a lock in front of his lips as he exited the vehicle. Johnny got out and slammed his door headed around the back of the squad toward the kitchen when he heard a noise he recognized…but one that shouldn't have been coming from the back of the squad.

"Uh, Roy…..was that you?"

"Was that me what, junior?" asked the older man with a somewhat quizzical expression.

"Oh it was you, cut it out will ya?" Johnny smirked. The two men met at the back of the squad and while he was still looking at Roy, he heard the sound again…in fact they both did….and ever so slowly each man, wide-eyed, turned his head toward the back of the squad. There, perched on top of the light bar was a large Rhode Island Red.

"What the hell?" Johnny said as he and Roy stood staring in disbelief.

"How, uh, I mean, where did that chicken come from?" Roy stammered.

Johnny began to creep back around toward the hood of the squad. "Quick, get it, don't let Chet see it or…"

"Don't let Chet see what?" asked Chet coming out of the kitchen eating an apple.

"Hahahaha, oh …uh….hey fellas!" He yelled turning back toward the kitchen. "Come see what Roy and John brought back with them from their last run."

The sound of chairs scraping the floor didn't drown out the laughter of one Chester B. Kelley as he stood back watching two paramedics trying to capture a chicken.

"Hurry guys, I think she's a jumper!" Shouted Marco bringing another round of roaring laughter from the engine crew.

"Guys, please tell me you did NOT just drive around the streets of Los Angeles with a CHICKEN on your light bar." Cap was trying to be serious but with his two paramedics crouched on the running boards of the squad and the rest of his crew heaving in belly laughs against the wall, he couldn't keep his face straight.

"Man, I'm gonna have to request a transfer if you did…don't want my Big Red to be partnered up with some chicken squad," Mike joked.

"Coup 51" laughed Marco; again bringing on roars of laughter from his cohorts.

"Very funny…..don't just stand there, help us!" yelled Gage.

Just when Cap thought the scene couldn't get worse, it did. Roy lost his grip on the side mirror and slipped. Reaching out to catch himself, he shoved his arm through the open window to grab hold of the steering wheel. He missed and landed on the squad's horn. The loud blast alarmed the chicken and signaled the onset of what could only be described as total pandamonium! In what appeared to be choreographed chaos, the chicken took flight inside the apparatus bay…..and headed straight for the engine.

"Hey, it flew!" Gage yelled in surprise.

"It's a freakin' bird, you twit!" Responded Cap, still trying to sound angry but failing miserably.

"Not on MY engine" shouted Mike – which in itself startled the rest of the guys. Mike was not prone to shouting …nor was he accustomed to having a chicken roost on the roof of his engine.

The scene repeated itself a couple of times with the chicken flying back and forth between the engine and the squad while five highly skilled firefighters tried to 'rescue' her. The sixth firefighter was crouching in a fetal position on the floor trying to catch his breath – having lost it to laughter - as the wayward bird wreaked havoc in the station.

"Chet, get your sorry ass up and help us" shouted Gage as the chicken once again flew over his head back towards the squad. He jumped to try to catch her but missing, fell straight into the arms of Marco, knocking both men down between the squad and the engine. Roy came running around the front of the squad swatting at feathers the chicken was shedding as she was squawking and flapping around. Mike was standing protectively beside his engine; his eyes locked on the chicken as if he were trying to figure out her next move. Cap was trying to help Marco and Johnny to their feet when a noise startled them all. No one had noticed Chet making his way over to the bay doors and opening them. The poor traumatized bird saw daylight and took off again, this time finding freedom outside of Station 51. Johnny reached behind him to give himself some leverage to stand up and felt a certain squishy something on the palm of his hand.

"Aww, shit" he mumbled as Chet walked up behind him with his half eaten apple still in his hand.

"Yea Gage, that's exactly what it is!"

"Man, first I get knocked down by a pig that was running OUT of the door of the house we were responding to and then I get pooped on by some crazed chicken!" Gage was obviously having a bad day. Then realizing what he'd just said, looked over at Roy. Roy was turning around shaking his head while Chet continued chomping on his apple – with a very devilish grin spreading across his mustached face.

"Chet, don't even think about it."

"Aww John, you've hurt my feelings." He said in a very sarcastic tone. "Where did you guys get called out to?"

"I don't know, Chet…..it was like a nightmare version of Old McDaniel's Farm!" said an exasperated Gage.

Suddenly another round of belly laughs broke out in the apparatus bay as the men were doubled over; well, all except Johnny. He had no idea why they were laughing but knew that once again, it was somehow related to something he'd said or done.

"Ga, Gage" laughed Hank as he wiped tears from his eyes. His stomach and sides hurt so bad he wanted to cry but this whole scene was just unbelievable. "Gage, I think you mean Old McDonald's Farm don't you?"

-x-

There was another round of laughter inside Johnny's hospital room but they managed to keep it subdued for the sake of their sleeping comrade. They had truly enjoyed reliving the whole chicken episode. It had taken an hour to clean up the mess on the back of the squad. Obviously, the chicken had stowed herself away near the oxygen tanks on back of the squad. She left a number of reminders back there. They surmised that the noise of the slamming doors had startled her and made her fly up to the light bar where she felt less vulnerable. No one ever saw her again after that day but it did not escape the men of the station that it was Mike's turn to cook that night – his signature fried chicken. They all agreed that watching Johnny sit and stare at his plate that night was almost as funny as watching the entire group chase a chicken around the apparatus bay.

"Old McDaniel's Farm" Cap laughed shaking his head. "Oh Johnny, you've given us a lot of laughs, Pal."

He gazed then at the still form of his younger paramedic and the laughter quickly died down; each man hoping in his heart that Johnny would be back to his old self again soon.

Roy was the next one to speak. "Man, I'd give anything if you guys could have been with us on that run with the elderly lady with dementia – you know the one waiting on the bus to Detroit?"

Smiles seemed to be contagious then as the five friends were reminded of one particular run that Roy and Johnny would never forget.


	3. Chapter 3

Bus to Detroit

The paramedics pulled up to the ranch style home in a quiet neighborhood. Dispatch had called them out on an unknown type rescue so they had no idea what awaited them inside. Normally, there would be someone standing out front waving frantically for help as they drove up but not today. On this particular day there was nothing unusual going on; at least that they could see.

Walking up to the front door with biophone, drug box and oxygen they were a bit taken aback by the sound coming from inside the home. Muffled shouts could be heard that sounded like an elderly female.

Knock, knock, knock…"let me out of here." The pattern was repeating nonstop leaving the two paramedics quite anxious.

Roy took the lead and knocked on the front door. "Fire department" he called out. In short order a middle-aged woman opened the door and Johnny gave an audible gulp. She opened the door with one hand while holding a flat head screwdriver in the other.

"Oh Lord have mercy, she called you again, huh? Well, come on in." The woman opened the door wide enough for the paramedics to enter but neither man moved; each one silently hoping the other might cross the threshold first.

Knock, knock, knock…."let me out of here." The noise continued from the back of the house.

"She's locked herself in my bedroom again. I got to take the doorknob off. Have a seat and I'll be right back."

John and Roy made their way to the living room. Once seated, they both heard a strange muted chirping sound that neither could identify. They both looked around but neither man admitted hearing anything. Soon the chirping stopped and the sound of shuffling feet could be heard coming up the hallway.

"Hi, how are you?" asked a frail elderly lady with a bright smile on her face.

"Um, we're fine" said Roy. "How are you?"

"Oh honey, I'm doing just great. I'm waiting on my bus to take me to Detroit." With that comment, the younger of the two women rolled her eyes and began mumbling to herself. It was obvious that this wasn't the first incident she'd had with her mother. The stress was beginning to show and she walked into the kitchen to get a glass of water.

Roy continued, "well how long will you be staying in Detroit?"

"Oh, Honey, I'll be back this afternoon." The woman continued smiling at the two handsome young men in her presence.

"Uh, Roy.." Johnny started but wasn't sure where to go from there. The woman was suffering from some sort of dementia…..Los Angeles to Detroit and back was not a trip that could be made in a few in hours on a bus.

Roy held up his hand in a manner that told John to just keep his thoughts to himself. Then it sounded again; that strange muffled chirp. The daughter was just walking back into the room from the kitchen but did a sudden about face when she heard the chirp.

"Oh not again!" With frustrated steps she walked to the refrigerator and opened the door. The chirp suddenly became very loud and both paramedics realized it was her phone ringing…from inside the refrigerator!

The paramedics exchanged confused looks as the younger woman reached inside her refrigerator and answered her phone. As she placed the receiver against her ear, she let out a scream while dropping both the phone and her glass of water.

"Damn that's cold!" she yelped.

The crashing of the glass and phone on the floor must have sounded like the door of a vehicle slamming shut because at that moment the older woman calmly stood up and announced, "there's my bus to Detroit" and headed toward the front door.

Both John and Roy were on their feet bumping into each other; trying to figure out which woman to go to first.

"You alright ma'am" Johnny called out in the direction of the kitchen as Roy tried to stop the older woman from exiting the residence.

"Yea, I'm fine" came the answer from the kitchen and Johnny ran to the aid of his partner.

Roy had reached the elderly woman by that time and was trying to redirect her back to the couch.

With Roy on one arm and Johnny on the other, the smiling woman was easily turned around.

"Ma' uh, Ma'am, that isn't your bus," said Roy. "Maybe your bus will come by later on."

"Oh alright" came her reply and she willing sat back down on the couch.

-x-

The memory of that call lingered in Roy's mind for a brief moment as he looked around at his buddies in John's room.

"Man, for months after that call neither one of us could hear the word Detroit without laughing," he mused. "And the look on Johnny's face when that lady opened the door with the screwdriver in her hand was priceless."

Chet was the next one to bring up an unusual rescue. "Hey fellas, remember the waterbed rescue?"

Everyone in the room snickered as Chet began recounting the rescue that gave the Phantom a LOT of ideas….


	4. Chapter 4

One Wide….

The call had come in from dispatch for Station 51 for a man down. Dispatch explained that the caller had said to use forcible entry. They guys had no idea what they'd find; and they weren't prepared for the rescue that lay ahead.

After gaining entry to the apartment, they rushed to the back where they heard the vague sound of a male moaning and a muffled female voice. They entered the bedroom and were shocked to find the bedroom in disarray. The waterbed had been stripped of its linens and the lamp on the bedside table had broken as it crashed to the floor. Searching for the sound of the moans, the group was shocked at what they found. In the small space between the waterbed and the wall was a man and a woman; covered by a sheet with the man lying on top of the woman. It was fairly easy to determine what they had been doing but just how they ended up stuck in the space between the wall and the bed was still a mystery.

Cap was the first to speak, "Folks are you hurt?"

"I threw out my back" said the man in obvious pain. "I can't move."

Chet fought the urge to laugh at the images playing in his mind.

"I'm having trouble breathing" came the whisper of the woman from beneath the injured man.

"I'll get the oxygen" said Roy.

The men stood around trying to figure out the best way to get them out of the predicament they were in and decided that the only way to move the bed was to remove the water first. Cap ordered Mike to get the red hose from the engine and they'd use it to remove the water. Chet crawled through the window to the outside as the others began connecting the hose to the bed and beginning the process of syphoning out the water. Roy had placed a nasal cannula on the woman to aid her breathing while John got Rampart on the biophone.

"Rampart, this is squad 51. How do you read?"

"We read you loud and clear 51" said Dr. Kelly Brackett

"Rampart, we have two victims; one male and one female both in their mid-30's. The male victim is complaining of severe pain in his lower back that has left him unable to move. The female is complaining of shortness of breath and is now on O2"

"Johnny, what are the vitals?" asked Dr. Brackett.

"Uh, we haven't extricated them yet, Rampart and we're unable to obtain vitals until we do." Johnny hoped Dr. Brackett wouldn't press for more information; but as was usually the case, he did.

"51 how are the victims entrapped?"

Chet was standing near the window watching the water flow out of the hose and grinning to himself. _ Yea Gage, tell him how they got entrapped, _he thought.

"Well, Doc" Johnny began. "They are pinned in a small area?" _Please just drop it, Doc, _he thought.

"How tight, Johnny?" Brackett continued.

Chet was almost laughing at this point while listening to the conversation.

"Well, Doc…it's, uh, one wide and two deep."

Chet lost all control then. He pulled his helmet down over his face to make sure Cap didn't see him laughing and slid down the wall of the house into a crouching position. _Oh Gage, that's great,_ he mused.

Back in Johnny's hospital room, Chet was doubled over laughing at the thought. They had eventually been able to remove the water from the waterbed and then move the bedframe to gain access to the embarrassed couple. Once her husband had been removed, the woman was able to breathe again and required no further treatment. Her husband was not so lucky as he'd suffered a back injury.

"Man, we never did find out if they broke that lamp after he threw out his back or while he was in the process of throwing out his back" Chet laughed. "I'm just glad the phone was on the nightstand so they could call for help."

"I just wish I could have seen the look on Brackett's face when Johnny gave him that answer." Marco laughed.

"Yea, nobody can say something as stupid as Gage." Chided Chet.

"Chet would you shut up!" came the slurred speech of John.

"Hey Pal, you're awake" said Hank patting John's shoulder.

"Who can sleep with you jerks in here making fun of me," he said with a grin.

Roy breathed a huge sigh of relief. If Johnny and Chet were going at it, then Johnny was definitely on the road to recovery. "Glad to have you back, Junior" he whispered to no one in particular. Life at Station 51 would soon be back to normal.


	5. Chapter 5

Milking it

After the guys had visited with Johnny briefly they each exited to go home and rest. They'd had an active night being called out twice and now only Roy remained.

"Hey, partner, do you need anything?" Roy asked.

"Naw, I'm still a little groggy but I'm good. Thanks Roy." John's voice held a hint of sarcasm which Roy knew was a good sign that he was on the road to recovery.

"Thanks for what?"

"For not discussing the milking incident," he said stifling a snicker.

"Oh yea, I had forgotten all about that one. Guess Chet did too."

"Yea, maybe" Johnny replied but his eyes were already closed. He wasn't asleep because Roy could still see the smile on his face. He was thinking about a certain mischievous school boy and a very large female St. Benard.

-x-

John and Roy had been called out on a very unusual run. The call was for an elderly man trapped in a chair. They had no idea what they'd find when they entered the residence but what they saw was absolutely comical – well except for the fact that one old man was extremely angry.

They'd arrived to find a boy of about 8 years sulking on the front porch. He told them that his grandpa was stuck in his chair in the living room. Roy and Johnny walked in, closely followed by the kid, and stopped in their tracks. The elderly man was sitting in a lift chair – half way up. He couldn't make the chair go back down and he couldn't make the chair go the rest of the way up. He also didn't have the let strength to get himself out of the chair. Roy and John each took hold of one of the old man's arms and gently pulled him to a standing position; then walked with him over to another chair. Roy began taking the man's vitals while Johnny looked for a way to make the chair go back to its original position. What he saw confused him until he caught a glimpse of the boy standing in the doorway with a devilish grin on his face. The chair had been unplugged in mid-rise – and Johnny knew who the culprit was because he was standing right there in front of him.

"Did you do this?" Johnny asked looking angrily at the boy.

"So what if I did?" came the smart mouthed response.

Roy gave Johnny a curt look that said 'take it up with the kid away from the old man' so John grabbed the child by the back of his shirt collar and walked into the next room to begin his chastising. He was a bit surprised to find a plastic kiddie pool in the bedroom; he was even more surprised when he saw the contents. The unmistakable sound of newborn puppies filled the room there in the pool lay a mother St. Benard and her young litter. The boy knelt down beside the pool; obviously using it as a distraction from the chewing out he knew was coming. Johnny flew into him then berating him for the harm he could have caused his grandfather. Halfway through his tirade he heard the boy giggling. He looked down at the kid and absolute rage flashed through Johnny's eyes. The boy was attempting to milk the poor dog! Not only was he trying to milk her but he was trying to squirt the milk at Johnny. Not wanting to be heard by the boy's grandfather, Johnny again grabbed the child by the back of the shirt collar and whispered through gritted teeth.

"Boy, if you squirt dog milk on me so help me God I won't be held responsible for what I do to you!"

The boy stumbled backwards wide-eyed with fear. Johnny released his grip on the child and stood up to find Roy grinning in the bedroom doorway.

"Oh, uh, how's the old man, Roy?"

"Oh he's fine, pulse and respirations have returned to normal. Brackett says there's no need to bring him in." He was still grinning; almost laughing.

"Not funny, Roy." Snorted Johnny. "And Chet better not hear about it either."

Roy just raised his hands in mock surrender as they carried their gear back to the squad.


	6. Chapter 6

The Unmentionable

Roy found himself laughing out loud without intending to but the memory of what Johnny had called "the unmentionable" was just too darn funny. There was no one in the room but the two of them and Gage was dozing so he felt a little silly; glad no one had walked in on him during his moment of hysterical laughter. He thought he'd quieted down without waking up Johnny until Johnny spoke.

"What's so funny, Pal?" he asked groggily.

"Oh, uh, I was just thinking about "the unmentionable." Roy laughed and reached up to wipe tears from his eyes while grabbing his midsection.

"Oh Roy, no. That was terrible!" Johnny said in an exasperated tone.

"Johnny, what happened wasn't nearly as terrible as what you said!" With that, Roy doubled over again at the thought of that run to the elderly asthmatic lady's house.

Roy drove the squad up to the front of the small white wood framed house with black shutters. They had arrived in less than 6 minutes from the time of the call. Anytime a call came in where an airway was compromised the guys knew that time was absolutely critical. Johnny grabbed the biophone and oxygen while Roy reached for the drug box. Together they half walked and half ran to the front door prepared to kick it down if necessary. Roy knocked briefly while announcing that they were from the fire department. He waited only a couple of seconds before trying to turn the knob even though he expected it to be locked. It wasn't so he and Johnny entered and quickly looked around for their victim. Calling out as they walked through the house, they heard a weak female voice coming from the back bedroom

"In….. here….. please."

Roy entered first followed closely by Johnny. What they found was an elderly woman lying in her bed and clutching at her chest. Her skin was somewhat pale but obviously her airway wasn't completely obstructed which gave them time to do a more thorough assessment.

Roy began taking her vitals while Johnny gently placed the nasal cannula in her nose, wrapping the tubing behind her ears and tightening it in place underneath her chin.

"Just take it easy, Ma'am. We're going to take good care of you. Now relax and try to breathe through your nose, for me, alright?" Johnny instructed in his most gentle voice. He knew that the more relaxed and soft-spoken he was the more likely his patient was to relax too.

"Rampart this is squad 51. How do you read?" Johnny began as Roy prepared to call out her vitals for him to relay.

"Unit calling, repeat." The voice belonged to Dr. Early who had obviously missed the identification of the squad.

"Rampart, this is squad 51."

"Go ahead 51."

While John was relaying her vitals, Roy tried to get a little more information from her.

"Ma'am, how old are you?" Roy asked. He still wasn't comfortable asking older women their age but he was even more terrified of guessing wrong.

"Well, I'll….. be 83…..in 2 weeks," came the rasping response.

Johnny never missed a beat. He had heard Roy's question as well as their patient's response and immediately said, "Rampart, the victim is 83 years old."

Dr. Early had already noted her vitals and her history of asthma so he continued with his questions. "51 does the victim use a rescue inhaler?"

Roy looked at his frail patient and repeated the question to her.

"Yes….yes, I do. I just don't…know where…I put it."

"Affirmative, Rampart but she doesn't remember where she has placed it," Johnny said in a frustrated voice but before he could continue his patient raised her hand and pointed towards her purse in the chair beside her bed.

Without thinking Johnny grabbed the purse and opened it while dumping the contents out on the bed beside their patient. Her rescue inhaler fell out…but when Johnny saw what else fell out he thought he'd need to use the inhaler himself!

Roy noticed his momentary hesitation and reached for the inhaler. After, assisting the patient to use it and ensuring that her bronchial tubes were once again expanding and allowing her to breathe better; he turned to Johnny and noticed his younger partner still in shock. There, lying on the bed amid the other benign contents of the elderly woman's purse was a toy – an adult toy!

He noticed that his patient suddenly felt much better and was beginning to regain a little color to her face and neck.

"Oh my, I see you met my little Bobby" said the elderly lady. "I'm sorry, he should know better" she said with a wink. The color had returned fully to her hot cheeks; Johnny's were a little red too.

"Well, see…he won't cheat on me and he won't ever lay a hand on me" she said with a little giggle.

Johnny, for some reason, felt the need to say something and he said the only thing he could think to say.

"Yes Ma'am, and he won't cause you to get pregnant either." He screwed his eyes shut and turned his head away from her. _Damn, Gage, couldn't you think of ANYTHING else to say? Geez!_

Roy, realizing his partner was really in trouble, simply stated, "Well, Ma'am we'd like to take you to the hospital and let a doctor check you out."

"Oh, no….I'm doing fine now. I'm so glad you two handsome young men came to help me out."

"Uh, yea….um, I mean, you're welcome, Ma'am" Johnny said as he started quickly packing up their gear and backing himself out of the room. Roy had her sign the appropriate form for refusal before he too exited the residence.

Roy thought his chest would burst before he could get out of her house and release the laugh he'd been holding in. Once he'd pulled out into traffic heading back to the station, he completely lost it. "Oh, oh my goodness, Junior." He could barely spit out the words between rounds of laughter. "Where on earth did you come up with that comment?"

Johnny did not want to answer; his embarrassment was already written all over his face. "Enough Roy, ok?"

"I ca… I can't help it….the look on your….face was priceless. I thought…..I thought for a minute you were …..gonna pick it up…..and….and ask her what …what it was."

"Enough, Roy…..ok!" This time his words were louder and more forceful but Roy couldn't help but notice the way he was pursing his lips together to keep his signature crooked grin from spreading.

"What were you thinking?" Roy asked again through snickers

"Hell, Roy, all I was thinking was that I had to say SOMETHING so she wouldn't see how surprised I was. You know we're taught not to let our shock show on our faces because it upsets the patient." He knew Roy wasn't buying his excuse.

"Junior, that's for severe injuries…..not…..not…..sss..…sss…ex toys!" It took all Roy had just to get the words out before he doubled over inside the cab of the squad from laughing so hard. Johnny lost his battle to stay serious.

Laughter poured out from his lopsided grin as they were backing into the station. "Did she call that thing, Bobby?"

-x-

Back in his hospital room, Johnny was laughing almost as hard as Roy. Each round of laughter brought fresh grimaces as his body reminded him why he was in the hospital in the first place. "Oh, Roy….please stop it. You're killing me," he said with a grin. He knew not to look at his partner as they both were still giggling like a couple of little girls and one look at his partner's laughing face would bring on another round of belly-aching laughs!

Roy couldn't help it. He had to verbalize what they each were thinking…"I think I know why she kept her inhaler in her purse with Bo…." He couldn't finish his sentence. Both men grabbed their midsections as they tried to turn away from each other and settle back down.

"I…I just wis…wish….we'd brought her….and….bo…bobby in here." He had finally managed to get the words out. It took several moments for the two of them to calm down enough to breathe.

The door suddenly opened and Dixie stuck her head in…."What kind of party are you two having in here," she teased. The only answer she got was total chaotic laughter as both men shared the same thought. _What would Dix have done if she'd opened up the old lady's purse?_


	7. Chapter 7

The Alpaca Place

Johnny was waiting for his release papers as Roy and Chet walked into his hospital room.

"Are you about ready to get out of this joint?" asked Roy.

"Aww, c'mon, Roy. You know Gage likes it here. Why else would he come in and stay so often."

John snarled at Chet and rolled his eyes.

"Yea, Kelly, right."

His sarcasm was not lost on Chet and Chet took the opportunity to unleash another story as a way of paying him back.

"Say, Roy, do you remember that time that Gage got a little cozy with the Alpaca?"

"Oh Chet, for crying out loud," said Johnny but he was already smiling at the thought.

The Engine and Squad went barreling down the dirt road toward what could only be described as a dry docked Noah's Ark. The place was dilapidated and every domestic animal imaginable roamed freely around the wreckage. As the firefighters rushed to what appeared to be the front of the residence, an elderly bearded gentleman wearing overalls came around from behind the building.

"Hey there fellas. Sorry to be a bother but everything's ok now."

Captain Stanley spoke for the group. "Sir, dispatch said something about a child trapped?"

"Oh, no, no sir, wasn't a child. It was a kid."

Johnny just gave the old man a confused stare as Chet and Marco exchanged bewildered glances.

"Sir, I'm not sure I understand the difference." Hank was truly trying to determine if there was still an emergency at this residence or not.

"Well, you city boys probably wouldn't now would ya." He chucked to himself as he looked around at the dust and dirt near his feet. "See, a child is a human but a kid is a baby goat." Again, he snickered at the firefighters.

"My little Winnie here," he said scooping up a tiny goat, "got stuck inside one of the old buildings in the back. I'm just a little too old to go wandering around those old buildings so I figured I'd call you boys to help get her out. But, she's a smart little thing and she figured it out all by herself." He patted the black and white goat on the head with a sense of pride displayed on his wrinkled face.

Mike Stoker coughed to hide a laugh as he headed back towards the engine while the others just looked at each other in stunned disbelief.

"Well sir, we'd really prefer to rescue humans next time, alright?" Hank was trying his best to get his point across to the man that they were not animal rescuers.

Johnny tuned out the conversation as he noticed a strange looking head sticking out from behind the back of the house. He slapped Roy's arm with the back of his hand as he wandered over to the corner where he'd seen the head sticking out a moment earlier.

"Uh, Junior, you might want to stay back….." Roy's voice trailed off as Johnny walked farther away from Roy. Roy and Marco had both seen the head and knew what it was but Johnny wasn't paying attention to them.

"He doesn't know what they'll do does he?" Marco asked the senior paramedic.

"Not a clue, Marco, not a clue."

Neither man tried to stop Johnny. Instead they just positioned themselves for a better view of the show. Chet noticed the two of them watching as Johnny walked toward the back of the house and decided he would join in the fun too. Hank was still talking to the old man…..or rather listening as he got an earful of why firefighters should rescue all God's creatures, etc,etc, blah blah blah….. He looked up just in time to see Gage jump back and stumble over some debris in the yard. Mike looked out of his window on the engine having a bird's eye view of the scene and guffawed.

Johnny was trying to back up and run from what looked like a small camel and as he tried to regain his footing, he let out a string of expletives then rushed back to the others; all of whom were doubled over in laughter.

"That freakin' llama sneezed on me, Cap. I'm covered in llama snot!"

"No Gage," corrected Marco. "That's not llama snot…..it's alpaca puke!"

Another round of laughter followed Marco's statement and this time even the baby goat seemed to join in the laughter.

"Let's go!" Johhny huffed as he headed toward the passenger's side of the squad. "And not a word from you Kelly, you understand?"

Even Chet was at a loss for words.

Back in his hospital room, Johnny looked up to see Dixie coming in with his wheelchair.

Chet and Johnny were wiping tears from their eyes and trying to catch their breath.

"What on earth are you boys laughing at now?" she asked.

Before Roy or Chet could speak, Johnny answered. "Oh just talking about how I sometimes get puked on, Dixie. That's all."


	8. Chapter 8

Almost Home

Dixie wasn't sure she wanted to hear about the Alpaca puke incident but she couldn't hold back her cackling at Johnny's comment as he sat in the wheelchair she was holding for him. Chet and Roy both remembered the incident that caused her laughter and Chet nearly collapsed in hysterical giggles!

"I'm almost home now" was the comment that Gage made sitting down in the wheelchair and he immediately regretted his statement. "Oh boy, not again!"

"Oh yea, Junior…again." Roy leaned down on the bed John had just vacated trying to catch his breath!

The engine and the squad had been dispatched to the scene of a traffic accident. Only one car was involved and it was on a desolate road at nearly dawn. No one ever found out who had called it in because when the emergency vehicles arrived they only saw one car. One old beaten up piece of crap car that was more rust and bondo-gray than any other color. One elderly man could be seen crouched behind the steering wheel leaning slightly forward and obviously holding on for dear life!

As the crew of Station 51 exited their vehicles and gathered around the car, Hank Stanley just stood in disbelief.

"Uh, Cap, how should we handle this one?" Johnny asked.

Hank and the rest of the guys were staring at the car which was on the side of the road – backed onto a tree trunk. The tree had been dead for quite some time and was lying parallel to the road. Somehow, this old man had backed his car onto the tree truck; his passenger side wheels were on one side and his driver's side wheels were on the other. Hank wondered for a second if the man had somehow driven his car up the tree trunk while it was still standing and knocked the tree down. To further confuse the firefighter, the man had the car in gear and the engine was revved up. The back tires were spinning wildly but luckily were not in contact with the ground. They all watched in amusement as the old man seemed to be driving along and occasionally turning the steering wheel as though he were making turns in the road.

"Cap, do you think he knows he's stuck?" Johnny asked and he could hear the other guys snickering behind him.

"Well, hell, Gage, I don't know. Why don't you go ask him?" Hank replied.

Johnny didn't realize that Hank was being sarcastic so he jogged on over to the driver's side window and knocked on the glass. The old man jumped slightly then gave John a big wave and an even bigger toothless grin.

"Um, sir, …..sir, could you roll down the window please?"

Mike broke the silence of the group behind Gage watching in wonder. "What's he gonna do, ask him for a ride back to the station?"

"Who knows?" Roy quipped.

The older gentlemen rolled down his window with one hand still on the steering wheel.

"Hello officer," he grinned seemly undisturbed by the fact that he was talking to a person standing outside his window while he was on his drive home.

Johnny immediately understood the problem. The marijuana smoke that poured out of the vehicle was enough to give him a buzz. He had no idea how much this old man had smoked but it was enough to make him believe that he was driving home when he hadn't moved an inch.

"Sir, um, can I give you a hand here?" Johnny had no idea what else to say.

"No, no sonny, I'm almost home now" he shouted as he accelerated even more and even turned on his blinker.

Gage could hear the group behind him cheering him on with their laughter and hand clapping.

"Ok sir, I think you can turn your car off now." Gage opened the door and put the engine in park before turning off the car. He reached in and was helping the old man out of the car when the old guy patted him on the back and thanked him for the "ballet" parking service.

Chet sank to his knees in the sand pulling his helmet over his face to hide his laughter and silence his howling. Marco sat on the running board of the squad having lost his ability to stand at the moment and grabbing his sides in laughter pains. Roy leaned his arms on the hood of the squad and buried his head into his elbows; shoulders shaking from giggling. Only Mike was able to keep a straight face and help Gage ease the man to the ground; neither man daring to look at the other for fear of laughing in their victim's face. Captain Stanley surveyed the scene trying to figure out a reasonable way to note this run in the log books. "Twits!" he muttered and finally succumbed to the belly rolling laugh he'd been trying desperately to contain.


	9. Chapter 9

The What-ologist?

Dixie and Roy were walking side by side down the corridor on their way to the elevator. Dixie was pushing Gage in his wheelchair; a hospital requirement not a Gage preference.

"Well Johnny, your stay seems to have been rather entertaining this time." Dixie grinned up at Roy who was holding his breath trying hard not to laugh.

"Yea, yea, laughing at my pain as always, huh?" Gage was rambling but neither Dixie nor Roy heard a word of it. Johnny realized that he was no longer moving and turned to see what was going on.

There, standing underneath the sign for neurology was Roy, doubled over in a belly rolling, albeit silent laugh while Dixie was turned with her head facing the wall; her shoulders shaking uncontrollably as she fought valiantly to regain some measure of control. Neither could speak and Johnny remembered exactly why.

"Rampart this is squad 51, how do you read?" Johnny was holding the biophone in the crook of his neck while writing down the vitals of the victim as Roy called them out.

"BP 112/70, pulse 82" Roy said as he placed his right hand on the victim's abdomen while watching the second hand on his watch.

"Go ahead 51." Came the response from Dr. Brackett who was leaning over the base station inside the emergency room.

"Rate 12….he's starting to come around Johnny."

"Uh, Rampart we have a male, appla, uh approximately 30 years old. He's the victo, uh victim of an apparent seizure. He was unconscious when we arrived but is beginning to come around. Vitals are BP 112/70, pulse 82, respirl, um, respirations 12…." _Shit, man._

Johnny rarely had difficulty pronouncing his words but for some reason on this particular run he was getting tongue-tied. He was thankful that at least he hadn't said anything too stupid and so far Roy didn't seem to have heard his speaking errors. Unfortunately, not only Roy but their patient was about to hear his worst slip-up yet.

"Hey, take it easy mister, just relax." Roy was gently pressing on the victim's shoulders in an attempt to ease him back to the floor of the restaurant. "Do you have a history of seizures?"

"Oh, geez, uh, yea….been about a year but yea, I do." The gentleman was becoming more aware of his surroundings and knew what must have happened. Anticipating the paramedic's next question, the patient continued. "I just saw Dr. Yearwood at Rampart about a month ago and he changed my medication to something newer…..and now this happens." He closed his eyes and released a frustrated sigh.

Johnny knew that Dr. Brackett would want to know that their patient's neurologist was on staff at Rampart so his medical records would be easy to locate.

"Uh, Rampart, be advised that the patient is under the care of a neul, uh neuterologist …"

Johnny cringed as he heard the word escape his lips and he was unable to finish his sentence. He gripped the biophone trying to figure out a way to snatch back the word he had just spoken into it.

Roy had a few unspeakable images passing through his mind while hoping beyond all hope that their patient had not heard what Johnny had just said.

"Uh, repeat 51." Came the ever professional voice of Dr. Brackett even though Dr. Early and Dixie were standing a few feet behind him wiping tears from their eyes as they laughed at Johnny's remark. Brackett even smiled although Johnny couldn't tell from the sound of his voice.

Their patient found the situation humorous and began to snicker as Johnny turned multiple shades of red. Staring down at the biophone and imagining what Brackett must be thinking, John just shook his head and began, "Doc, I don't think I can and I know I don't want to."

Finally catching their breath both Roy and Dixie looked down at the slightly embarrassed Johnny.

"Oh for crying out loud, would you two just drop it and let's go." John said as he turned around, hiding his smile, and stared at the elevator doors willing them to open.


	10. Chapter 10

A/N: I know I marked this story as complete but when new material presented itself, well I just had to break it back out and add another chapter.

Gageisms

Chapter 10

Gonna Puke

Finally, Johnny heard the dinging sound and watched with a sense of relief as the silver doors slid apart. A pretty blonde haired nurse exited flashing him a perfect white smile. His injuries temporarily forgotten, Johnny's head and ogling brown eyes followed the curvaceous figure as she sauntered past him wiggling her fingers in a flirtatious wave. He twisted his upper body to follow her retreating form when suddenly Roy stepped up behind him, grasping the handles of the wheelchair from Dixie and quickly shoving his unsuspecting partner inside the elevator. He spun Johnny around quickly to face forward – but not quick enough for the injured man to continue his girl-watching.

"Whoa….I'm gonna get whiplash, Di…uh." Johnny stuttered with the realization that his favorite nurse was no longer in control of his wheelchair.

Dixie stood leaning against the elevator doors preventing them from closing, slowly crossing her arms over her chest. She arched one eyebrow above her long eyelashes and watched Johnny dip his head with a sheepish grin.

"Uh…sorry, Dix. I know, I know…I was just lookin'."

"Mm-hmm," she responded, fighting back the giggle that threatened to overtake her stern facial expression as she saw Roy's eyes roll behind his partner's back. She removed herself from blocking the doors, walking inside and turning around, tapping an elegant fingernail on the button for the ground floor of Rampart General Hospital.

The elevator doors quickly shut and with a bit of a stutter, it began its descent.

"Ugh," Johnny groaned wrapping his good arm around his midsection. A light sheen formed across his forehead and upper lip while a slightly ashen color painted his chiseled features.

"Junior…you alright?"

Johnny inhaled deeply, forcefully blowing out the air and puffing out his pale cheeks. "I think I'm gonna puke," he groaned. The spinning action of Roy's wheelchair driving coupled with the sudden dropping of the elevator topped off with a healthy dose of analgesics caused his head to spin and his stomach to churn.

"Better move back here, Dixie," Roy deadpanned. "Johnny's been involved in some pretty wild emetic episodes."

"Oh, gah…no, Roy…just don't…'k?" Johnny was glad both of his friends were standing behind him because he didn't want them to see the grin that was beginning to peek out from his bowed head.

Dixie suddenly remembered the call to which Roy was referring and leaned her face into Roy's shoulder effectively muffling her guffaws.

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"_Squad 51, injured child, 2397 East Carson St. Apartment C-3…that's 2-3-9-7 East Carson St. Apartment C-3, cross street Arnold Center Rd."_

Hank loped from his office to acknowledge the call as his paramedics made their way to the squad.

"Squad 51…KMG365."

Roy accepted the address slip from their captain; passing it on to his partner as the bay door rose. As was usually the case on a run involving a child, the cab of the squad was silent except for the occasional direction given by Johnny. Not every run involving children had a happy outcome; they just hoped that this one would not be one of those.

Roy screeched the tires of the squad as he pulled up to the gray building, Johnny peeling out of the passenger's side door. The two paramedics quickly retrieved their equipment and hurriedly ascended the stairs of building C.

A frantic woman ushered them inside the small apartment. "Please hurry…he's…he's in the bathroom."

"Ok, just show us." Johnny lifted the brim of his helmet with a nudge from the back of his right hand.

"Ma'am…can you tell us what happened?" Roy was right behind the mother as she stepped through the doorway, stepping aside to allow the paramedics access to her son.

The toddler was sitting beside the toilet sniffling, his tear-stained face accented by a quarter-sized purplish-blue knot just above his right eyebrow, pudgy hands holding a wet washcloth.

"Hey buddy…bump your head?"

Roy did his best to engage the child and calm him while Johnny assembled the biophone.

"Ma'am…how old is he and what exactly happened?" Johnny took out his notepad and green pen as Roy continued talking to the owl-eyed child.

"Wanna play with my little light?" Roy checked the boy's pupillary response while pretending to be playing 'keep away' with him. He quickly completed his task then handed the penlight to the waving hands of the little boy. "Equal and reactive."

"Um…Jessie's three years old…he's been sick for the last few hours with…"

Roy watched the tell-tale signs of what the mother was saying. Jessie gagged a couple of times then began to whimper. Roy quickly moved out of the line of fire of the toddler's vomitus outburst just as Jessie seemed to explode. His subsequent wailing brought out the paternal instincts of Roy who began to soothe Jessie by rubbing his back and continuing his examination speaking to him in a calm soft voice.

"Oh my poor baby…he was throwing up hard just like that and got off balance. He…he slipped down and hit his head on the toilet."

"So the vomiting started before the bump on the head?" Johnny pulled the black receiver from the orange biophone consulting his notebook as he contacted Rampart General Hospital.

"Yes…about three hours or so," she said wringing her hands.

"Rampart, this is squad 51…how do you read?"

"Is he able to keep down any liquids?" Roy watched the nervous mother shake her head negatively.

"No…everything just comes back up…just like what you saw there," she pointed at the mess little Jessie had made on the bathroom wall.

"Loud and clear, 51…go ahead," Dr. Morton responded.

Johnny had heard the mother's response to his partner's questions. "Rampart, we have a three year old male who has slipped bumping his head on a toilet. He has a small protruding knot above his right eyebrow that is bruising. Ah, there's no laceration. Child has been vomiting for approximately three hours and is unable to keep down any liquids," he spoke in his most professional voice, rubbing his right hand across his forehead fighting his own nausea as he turned his face away from the soiled wall. "Ah, Rampart, be advised the child has erectile vomiting." He hung his head pinching the bridge of his nose at the realization of what he'd just said to Dr. Morton.

"51…did you advise the child has…projectile…vomiting?" Dr. Morton's exaggerated emphasis on the word projectile confirmed to the paramedics that he had indeed heard exactly what Johnny had said.

Roy fought the bellows bubbling up from deep inside his gut; his mind's eye providing him with humorous visions of Johnny's description. When he had composed himself, he peeked up at his partner noting that he was shaking his head negatively as the blush overtook his throat and face. He was somewhat relieved to see that Jessie's mother hadn't noticed.

Johnny returned the receiver to his ear, his keen eye catching the slight jerking motion of Jessie as he began to heave again. "Uh, Ro…Roy he's gonna…"

"Uurrgh," Jessie responded as if on cue; his stomach contents hurtling onto Johnny's outstretched arm.

He shook his arm in an effort to rid himself of the foul smelling mess. "Aahhh, affirmative Rampart…definitely projectile vomiting."

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Roy and Dixie continued their child-like giggling at Johnny's expense as his queasiness began to subside.

"Oh Johnny…Mike Morton had so much fun replaying that tape for everyone in the ER that day," Dixie mused stroking the back of his head as if he were a child.

Johnny shrugged the memory off with a wave of his hand at his friends just as the elevator doors opened on the ground floor.

"Feeling ok now?"

"I guess…just take me home, Roy…please?"

"Uh-oh…still not feeling well, Johnny?" Dixie knew the answer but she couldn't resist just a bit more good natured ribbing. "Need a little Phenergan like Jessie?"

Johnny's eyes widened. "Oh no…you're not gonna stick anything in my…"

"Bye Johnny," she waved, interrupting his rant as Roy pushed him on down the corridor towards the exit.

"Roy…please tell me there won't be any more stories on the ride home…please?"

Roy looked into the dejected brown eyes of his friend, eyes that reminded him of a sad puppy. He smiled as he helped Johnny out of the wheelchair and into his car for the ride back to the DeSoto house for his recuperation.

"Roy?"

Blue eyes sparkled mischievously as he closed the door on his still pleading partner.


	11. Chapter 11

Gageisms – 11

Thanks, Kathy.

Roy slammed his own door and turned his key in the ignition. He felt Johnny's eyes watching him still waiting for confirmation that the kidding was over but he had no intentions of letting Johnny off that easily. He did however look over at his injured partner and felt a sense of melancholy wash over his being. How many times had he nearly lost his best friend over the years? He'd been run down by a hit and run driver and bitten by a rattlesnake. Roy had been forced to leave him behind after an explosion rendered him unconscious inside an apartment complex that had been crashed into by an airplane. But, civilians always came first and the lady Johnny was trying to rescue had to be taken out before he could return for his partner. He would be forever grateful to the firefighter from Pasadena who went in and retrieved his partner during that incident. There was also the cave-in at the construction site where Johnny had been trapped with a couple of workers and a near disaster when Johnny had been retrieving a little boy from a hole when the soft dirt sides began to collapse. Even with all those incidents in their short few years together, nothing had prepared Roy for the accident in front of the station that had resulted in his partner's injuries from which he was now recovering. The sight of his limp body dangling from his seatbelt, broken arm bent awkwardly and his face covered in blood; his eyes closed as if in death and no matter how long Roy lived, he knew he'd never be able to forget that scene.

He turned to his right to back out of the parking space and saw the grin on Johnny's still bruised face. He knew in his heart that the younger man had actually been enjoying the memories of his friends during his time in the hospital. Even so, he felt a tugging of his heartstrings to say what he'd never before told his friend.

"Johnny…I, uh," Roy exhaled, unsure of how to explain what he was feeling.

Johnny looked over at Roy and saw the seriousness on his best friend's face. He briefly wondered if perhaps all his misadventures through the years had created a situation where he had worn out his welcome in the DeSoto home. He really hadn't given it all that much thought while he was in Rampart but now, seeing the look on Roy's face, he began to think that he needed to go back home instead. After all, it wasn't Roy and Joanne's place to take care of him.

He returned his gaze to the back parking lot at Rampart; the same parking lot he and Roy had parked the squad in hundreds of times while on shift. He inhaled deeply, summoning the courage to say what obviously Roy was finding difficulty in saying. "Roy…I can manage fine at my apartment. Why don't you just take me home, 'k?"

Roy knitted his eyebrows together in confusion. Johnny had never refused his help before so he was curious as to why he was doing so now. Had the accident changed their friendship somehow? Was Johnny actually hurt or angry about the stories Roy and the others had been laughing about?

"C'mon, Roy…I get it…I mean, you and Jo…well, I know you get tired of playin' nursemaid to a grown man who keeps gettin' hurt all the time."

"What? We're partners…friends…you've helped me out plenty of times before and…"

Johnny snickered, "oh yea rriiiiiight….like when you stayed at my place while your house was bein' fumigated?"

That thought brought a smile to Roy's concerned face. "Oh yea…that…ok, not a good example but you have pulled me out of danger plenty of times…and you even caught me after I got blown out of that window and we both fell off the ladder."

"Yea," his lopsided grin widened at the recollection. "Hey, and remember when we got trapped on that ledge and Cap ordered us to jump down to the safety net?"

"How could I forget that? Scared the hell outta me but…well, the flames actually scared me worse." Roy shuddered at the memory of that fateful day.

"Oh, man…I was kinda surprised when you didn't bounce halfway back up….that damn thing had no spring to it." Johnny's face reddened temporarily as that thought triggered another memory…one he was hoping Roy might have forgotten. But when Roy screwed his eyes shut and struggled to control the giggles bubbling up from his belly, he knew his friend had remembered it too. "Awww, hell…"

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"Geez, Roy…those clouds are lookin' angry." Johnny leaned forward peering at the sky through the windshield of the squad as he and Roy returned to the station.

Roy took his partner's cue and looked out his window as well. The dark clouds seemed to be growing, bumping into each other and merging as they raced directly toward Carson. Roy was as familiar with the streets between Rampart General Hospital and Station 51 as he was with his own face but as he gripped the steering wheel tighter to keep the vehicle in the center of the lane as the wind whipped around it, he forgot about the pothole that had been forming for several weeks on 223rd Street. The jolt and subsequent yelp of his passenger let him know that his right front tire had found it.

"Ow!" Johnny groaned, grabbing the dashboard with one hand and rubbing his head with the other.

"Oops…sorry about that, Junior." Roy tried to hide the grin overtaking his face while he decelerated. He then shifted into reverse and backed the squad into the bay just as a flash of lightning streaked across the somber sky followed by the low rumbling of distant thunder.

A strong gust of wind made opening the squad doors more difficult than usual for the paramedics; a sight that instigated another round of chiding from The Phantom.

"Hey Gage…you do a rain dance or something?" The prankster stood between the engine and the squad, hands in his pockets, and a smug grin on his face.

"Don't start that up again, Chet," Roy admonished. "You remember what happened the last time…besides, you said you buried the hatchet."

Johnny, never being one who could just walk away, turned to face his tormentor, his back to the open bay door. "Jealous 'cause you can't do one, Kelly?"

Roy had heard enough. He rolled his eyes leaving the two firefighters standing in the apparatus bay trying to 'one up' each other like a couple of boys on a school playground but in his haste to remove himself from the folly, he forgot to close the bay door.

Chet tried to think of a snappy comeback while he stood there stroking his thick mustache. "Oohh, I get it. So, Gagey-baby…if you can dance then why not show me some moves?"

Johnny narrowed his eyes at the aggravating Irishman. "Kelly…would you shut up."

Chet was about to respond when Johnny continued.

"Or better yet…go play in the street." He turned around, walking past the hood of the squad with Chet yipping at his heels, when a loud blast of an air horn followed by screeching tires drew his attention to the front of the station.

Shock and fear each grabbed one of Johnny's legs leaving him firmly planted on the concrete apron in front of the squad. His eyes widen like saucers and his mouth opened, gulping for air causing his adam's apple to bob up and down rhythmically. Terror nearly paralyzed his vocal chords leaving him panting out the word 'tramp' in an airy harsh whisper.

Chet had rushed to the apron just in time to see Johnny released from his temporary paralysis and dive to the concrete protectively covering his head with both arms. He watched in utter amazement as a round blue trampoline, which had obviously been dislodged from a trailer by the infamous pothole then picked up by another strong gust of wind, barreled over the outstretched John Gage then crashed into the station's flag pole.

Johnny paused just long enough to catch his breath then using his forearms, he raised himself up partially off the concrete apron. His chin was stinging, a sensation that let him know that he'd left part of his skin meshed with the concrete but was relieved to find that he was otherwise intact. That's when the second round of pain assaulted him and he groaned as he tried to discreetly cover his aching manhood. The horn blast followed by a crashing sound so close to the station drew the remainder of the crew into the apparatus bay. Johnny had managed to pull himself up into a seated, albeit painful position; unable to find his words.

Chet however, had no problem using his voice. "Haha, oh fellas…ya shoulda seen Gage do a swan dive on the concrete!" The lineman's face was turning crimson with his chortles then darkening with embarrassment as he realized his friend really was in pain.

"What the hell happened?"

Johnny tried to respond to the question asked by his engineer but his words came out a mixture of unintelligible syllables, groans and Neanderthal grunts. "Duh, ah tram…tramp on…on na p-pole." His dark eyes bouncing between Mike and the station's flag pole.

Without missing a beat, the normally quiet engineer responded with a devious grin. "Gage, sounds like a personal problem to me. You need to keep tramps off your pole," he deadpanned with a quick glance to the place where Johnny's hand still lay protectively.

Before Johnny could move, a sheet of rain came rushing across the industrial complex across the street from the station. It quickly made its way to the front of 51's leaving Johnny sitting on the apron in the pouring rain wishing he could think of a snappy comeback.

"Sorry, Gage…lemme help ya up."

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Johnny sat back in the seat of Roy's car, leaning his head against the headrest. "Oh man…I didn't think Chet would ever stop the rain dance jokes. At least he did have the decency to walk out into the rain and help me up…unlike some people." Johnny arched an accusatory eyebrow in Roy's direction.

Roy grinned as he shifted the car in gear, glad to see his friend smiling again. "And who knew Stoker could be so…so…"

"Quick witted?"

"Brazen," Roy corrected.

"Say, what ever happened to that trampoline anyway?"

"Well, while Chet and I were helping you inside and getting you cleaned up, the driver of the truck it fell off of came back to the station." Roy hesitated, flipping on his blinker and merging into traffic before he continued. "Cap, Mike and Marco helped the guy load it back up and tie it down." He snickered, looking over at his partner. "I think Cap taught the guy how to tie a real knot."

"So, was I the only casualty? I mean, the pole and the trampoline were both undamaged right?"

Roy smirked as he continued on his way to his house, his friend no longer protesting the destination. "Yea…your pole was the only one damaged by the tramp, Junior."

"Very funny, Pally."

Both men chuckled as Roy drove into the night, no longer paying attention to Johnny's mumblings about his pole being just fine; the earlier emotional conversation he had begun with his best friend completely forgotten amid the laughter.


	12. Chapter 12

Gageisms

Who Got What?

Roy pulled his car to a stop in his driveway and got out. He quickly rounded the front of the Porsche, determined to help Johnny get out before the younger man injured himself again. Both men still had silly grins on their faces as they remembered the 'tramp on the pole' story.

Johnny blushed, thinking back to another event that involved a smaller 'pole'. He decided not to mention it in the hopes that Roy had forgotten. They both needed a break from the laughter, but he should have known he would not be so lucky.

Unbeknownst to Johnny, Roy was thinking about the same run. However, he decided to wait until after dinner to mention it. He walked behind Johnny up the steps to the front door of the DeSoto residence, where the door suddenly opened without either man touching it.

"Johnny, how are you feeling?" A familiar feminine voice called out.

Johnny gave Joanne a one-armed sideways hug then followed the smell of food into their kitchen. Everyone, especially Joanne DeSoto, knew how much he loathed the food at Rampart. She also knew how much he enjoyed her cooking, and she cherished all the compliments he usually gave her when she prepared a meal for him.

"Sore… but I think I'll feel better soon, now that I'm out of the hospital." He inhaled deeply. "Is that your fabulous lasagna I smell?" He asked, slowly making his way to the kitchen and seating himself at the table.

"You bet. I know how much you like it, and I also know how nasty that hospital food can be." She patted him on his uninjured shoulder, then busied herself in the kitchen preparing him a plate.

"Aw, man. It was just awful, Jo…worse than ever," he groaned, playing it up to garnish even more of Joanne's sympathetic attention.

Joanne gave him a playful wink, in response.

"You want a glass of milk?" Roy asked.

"Yea, that'd be great, Roy." Johnny watched as Joanne scooped a heaping mound of lasagna onto his plate, then set the steaming plate on the table. The aroma wafted upwards causing his mouth to water. He didn't want to be impolite by eating ahead of his hosts. So, as he waited for them to prepare their own plates and join him. As soon as they were all seated, he tested the food and found it to be a bit too hot to eat. He spread it around on the plate to allow it to cool.

Roy had planned to wait until after dinner to tell the story, but as they all sat around waiting for their dinners to cool enough to eat, he decided to go ahead and start the story. He smirked when he saw his partner's bashful grin as he began.

"Ya know, Johnny, that trampoline and the flag pole wasn't the only time we had something funny happen involving a certain part of the male anatomy. Remember little Caleb and his dog Maggie?"

Johnny groaned, leaning back in his chair and turning red, leaving Joanne with a bewildered look on her face.

"Have I heard this one?" She asked.

"I don't remember, honey, but it's certainly worth repeating," he chuckled.

Johnny rolled his eyes, but did it with a smile. "Did Roy ever tell you about the babysitter we had to go rescue because the three boys she was babysitting were hellions who caused her to hyperventilate? It was the same rescue as when that dumb dog ran right into the glass door."

"Yes," Joanne laughed as she took a seat beside her husband. "I seem to recall the boys put the BP cuff around the dog's neck."

Johnny snickered, testing the temperature of his food before continuing. "Haha, yea that's the one." He took a tentative bite then stared at his partner. "Go ahead, Roy."

"Well, on this rescue," Roy began, "The boys were even worse."

.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.

The klaxons sounded with the call that every fighter dreads.

"Station 51 – child trapped -…"

Johnny and Roy exchanged worried looks as they got inside the squad. As soon as Hank dropped the call slip into Roy's hands, the squad emerged from the station followed closely by her bigger sister.

In less than five minutes, both vehicles pulled to a stop in front of a suburban, ranch-style home with a very large fenced in back yard. Shouts and screams could be heard coming from the back yard, so the men of 51's rushed through the gate, very concerned about what they would find.

The scene that awaited them was one of carnage and total destruction.

"What the hell happened?" Chet asked his lineman partner.

"Looks like a Tonka factory exploded," Marco surmised, his eyes slowly scanning the scene. Broken toys lay scattered around the back yard. Pieces of trucks and bicycles, a flattened football, a gym set with the swings hanging unevenly and the sliding board twisted, various other articles and pieces of toys lay haphazardly around the space. It truly looked like a scene from the Island of Misfit Toys.

Finally, a teenaged girl of about seventeen noticed the firefighters and hurriedly went over to them. "Hi, I'm so glad you're here. The older boys locked Caleb in the dog pen. When I got the key to try to get him out, the key broke off in the lock. He's been in there with Maggie for the last twenty minutes."

Johnny looked around, his mouth agape. There, inside the small chain-link fence dog kennel, sat a sniffling, red-faced, blonde-haired toddler with a bouncing rat terrier mixed breed dog climbing all over him. "Um, where's Maggie?"

"Right there," the teenager said. "Maggie is the dog."

"Cry-baby," the older boy teased.

"Yea, he's just a little puppy," laughed another.

The third boy was not as quick to taunt his younger brother. "I really didn't mean to lock him in forever, mister," he whispered to Roy, sounding as if he was about to walk the plank. "Dad's gonna smack me for sure."

Roy patted the sorrowful young man on the head. "Well, I'm sure it was just an accident. We'll have him out in no time."

"Ya will? And ya won't tell my Dad?"

"I won't," Roy said, emphasizing himself. "But, I bet SHE will," he offered, his finger pointing towards the obviously smitten babysitter.

"Ah, Miss? What's his name?" Johnny asked, then did a double take at the flirtatious stare the teenager was giving him.

"Who?" She asked, batting her eyelashes and twirling her red hair around her finger.

"Da, um, th-the kid… i-in the, ah, dog pen."

"Oh, that's Caleb. My name's Georgette."

"Well, Georgette," Hank interrupted. "Suppose you get those other boys and take them inside while we get young Caleb out of his predicament." Hank had seen too many energetic young boys get in the way of rescues.

"Yea, c'mon boys. Let us firemen take care of this. You just go back inside and be good boys," Chet began, waving his arms in a bit of a shooing manner.

"I ain't goin' nowhere and you can't make me. You ain't my Dad…Curly-top!" the oldest mouthed off.

Instinctively, Hank placed a hand against Chet's chest, halting the younger man's advancement. He felt his own blood pressure rising at the disrespectful youngster and knew that Chet was about to blow his cool.

"Let me at 'im, Cap," Chet whispered through gritted teeth, unaware that Georgette had overheard him.

"Be my guest, Mister," she said, turning back to ogle the dark-haired paramedic.

"Oh far out! A real fire truck!" yelled the second boy, running through the gate. His brothers and four firefighters followed closely behind him, trying to intercept fleeing boy.

"Stay off that engine!" Mike yelled; the action caused both paramedics to temporarily forget their victim inside the dog kennel. They had never heard their engineer yell before.

Finally remembering the reason for the call, Roy turned back around to the dog kennel. "I'll go get the bolt cutters," he suggested, a slight smirk crossing his ruddy face as he realized that Johnny was about to be left alone with the enamored teen.

"Uh, um, yea… Yea, I thi-think that'll, uh, work," Johnny stuttered, one hand on his hip while the other ran across his upper lip. Desperate to deter Georgette, he turned his attention to the young boy and the dog. "Hey there, buddy. We're gonna have you outta there in just a minute, a'right?"

"O-kay," the child whimpered, still trying to keep the hyperactive canine off of him.

A few minutes later, Roy returned with a huge smile lighting up his face. Johnny noticed the grin and arched an eyebrow in his partner's direction.

"The little smarta- um, smarty-mouth is learning a lesson in spinal precautions."

Johnny looked back towards the street where the emergency vehicles were parked. "No way… And Cap's lettin' 'em do it?" He asked, amazed that Hank Stanley would allow a child to be strapped to a backboard, unnecessarily.

"Letting them? He's the one doing it," Roy chuckled. "Mike's too busy guarding the door of the engine while Chet and Marco are chasing the other two boys to keep them out of the street. Oh, and you won't believe what Cap told the oldest one that I was gonna do with these bolt cutters. You should've seen the look on his face when I walked by him clicking these together and looking down at his pants."

Johnny cackled out loud. "Oh, man. I gotta see this," he began standing, but was interrupted by a shrill cry.

"Gemme ou', don' weave me, gemme ou', peeaass!"

Johnny and Roy returned their attention to their wailing victim.

"Oh, yea… here we go buddy. Now, stay back away from this lock, okay? Yea, that's it," Johnny directed, constantly turning his back to Georgette who was still trying to get close to him.

At the exact moment that Roy cut through the lock, chaos ensued. Mike sounded the air horn, sending two of the boys running back inside the back yard – the oldest was obviously still restrained, based on the high-pitched squealing sounds that could be heard from the front yard. Two year old Caleb and his dog Maggie charged for the chain link kennel gate at the same time, Caleb tripping and rolling over the dog. Maggie let out a yelp as the toddler fell on her, then spied her favorite toy – Caleb's very worn-out stick horse. The dog grabbed it up between her teeth, and darted around the yard as if playing keep away from all the humans. Caleb began to scream at the top of his lungs.

"Maggot got my dick hose! Maggot got my dick hose!"

Johnny, still trying to distance himself from Georgette, heard the toddler's cries and assumed the worst. He immediately rushed to the place where Caleb had fallen, and quickly jerked the youngster's pants down, relived to find the toddler's tiny manhood still intact.

"Hahaha, no, Johnny. He said 'Maggie got his stick horse,'" Georgette interpreted, amid belly heaving laughs. ',',',',',',',',',',',',',',',',',',',',',',',',',',',',',',',',',',',',',',',',',',',',',',',',',',',',',',',',',',',',',',',',',',',',',',',',',',',',',',',',',',',',',

"Oh, oh my goodness, Johnny. That is too funny," Joanne laughed, tears streaming down her face.

"Yea well, Caleb didn't think so. I felt like some kind of pervert," Johnny said, waving his uninjured hand.

"It wasn't quite so funny when the boys' father called the station that night. Cap had to explain to him why the fire department had gone to his house, cut through his lock and strapped his oldest to a backboard while bare-assing his youngest son to the world." Roy was struggling to keep a straight face.

"That's what Cap gets paid the big bucks for," Johnny snickered.

"I just wish you could've seen the look on your face when you thought the dog had bitten Caleb's…"

"I know, I know, Roy," Johnny interrupted. "But I swear, I thought the dog had bit him… you know, there. I mean, what did you think the kid said?"

"I've raised two toddlers, Junior, and I speak their language very well. I knew exactly what he said."

"Oh man, that was one helluva run," Johnny laughed, wiping his mouth and dropping his napkin onto the table. He still had not gotten his appetite back, even with Joanne's cooking enticing him. He had only eaten about half the plateful. "Jo, that was wonderful, but if you folks don't mind, I think I'll turn in now."

"Let me help you get your clothes changed," Roy suggested, standing and helping his partner out of his seat. "I remember how your medication makes you feel a little flushed and warm, so I set up a fan in the guest room."

"That's right," Joanne piped in, clearing the dinner table. "After this whole ordeal you've had, you need a comfortable bed in a cool room, so you can rest."

Both men looked at each other. Johnny groaned while Roy giggled, again.

"Let me guess," Joanne said, standing with a dirty dish in each hand. "You're thinking of another story aren't you?"

E!

A/N: As always, this was based on a real event (the toddler's response, at least) and as long as my grandson keeps visiting me, this story may never be completed. I hope you enjoyed this latest chapter.


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